Since the Wild and Wolves are done, and the Twins have settled into a pleasantly surprising run of mediocrity, my sports thoughts turn to the Vikings. Today let’s take a tour through their upcoming schedule and see if we can figure out exactly what will happen this season. I make no guarantees, other than that everything I predict here will come true, down to every last minute detail.

Week 1 @ Detroit: The Lions will likely be crap again, and without Titus “Crime Spree” Young making plays from the slot, their passing game will drop down a notch. New CB Xavier Rhodes will use his size well in matching up with Megatron, holding him to a paltry 7 catches for 125 yds and 2 TDs. But this will not be enough as Greg Jennings shines in his Viking debut, catching 2 TD passes of his own from Ponder. Final Score: 24-20 Vikes.

Week 2 @ Chicago: I hate Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall is Titus Young with only slightly better impulse control, and seeing those pregame shots of some swarthy street vendor heaping loads of crap on to a Chicago Dog always turns my stomach, but the Vikings just can’t win in Soldier Field. (One win in the past 12 years!) Peterson will run for 175 and 2, yet Julius Peppers will take up residence in Ponder’s jock, sacking him into oblivion and forcing 3 turnovers, 2 of which will be “blind squirrel” tipped pass interceptions, a Bears specialty. As usual, Cutler will narrowly avoid being sacked 37,000 times and will find Marshall for 15 impossible completions. Final Score: 31-17 Bears.

Week 3 vs Cleveland: A raucous crowd will be nicely liquored and lathered for the final home opener at the Dome, and AP will not disappoint. All Day will run through the Browns’ defense like Adrian Peterson through a Cleveland defense, and Ponder will hit Cordarrelle Patterson on a quick slant that Patterson will turn into a 60-yard TD. Patterson’s magnificent weaving and accelerating through traffic will elicit a spontaneous “Per-cy who?! Per-cy who?!” chant from the entire Dome crowd. Final Score: 28-14 Vikings.

Week 4 vs Pittsburgh (in London): The Vikes will make their first trip across the pond to play in the NFL’s idiotic Europe game, a thoroughly moronic annual stunt that the league continues to push despite the utter, utter failure that was the World League of American Football (The WLAF for short, or as it was known more colloquially, the “We Laugh” League). The NFL tried polishing this minor league turd for 17 excruciating years, and the torch of loserness is still carried today in the form of this game in London. Although I will be on the verge of suicide after hearing endless “Big Ben” jokes, Ben Roethlisberger will look more like a stationary clock tower than a dynamic NFL QB as Sharif “Purple” Floyd will take advantage of Ben’s slow feet and repeatedly slam him into the royal turf of Wembley Stadium. The result will be a victory fit for a king—a Viking, that is. Final Score: 33-10 Vikes.

Week 5 Bye: Despite being 3-1, the rumblings will grow louder for Matt Cassel to take over for Ponder at QB. Frazier and company will offer up platitudes of support for Ponder, and the media jackals will start to smell blood and attack the issue even further. Ponder will be visited by an angel that week who will bring a message from God: “Christian, for all that is holy, plant your feet before you throw.” Ponder responds to this divine command by saying, “But my feet are my greatest weapon.” The angel throws its hands up in frustration and visits Frazier the next night to push for a switch to Cassel.

Week 6 vs Carolina: After 4 straight 3-and-outs to begin the game, Panthers QB Cam Newton begins sobbing heavily on the sideline and WR Steve Smith starts fistfights with 3 teammates, 2 coaches, and the waterboy—all in the first half. Ponder starts to plant his feet consistently, throwing for 250 and 2, leading the Vikes to the win. Final score: 31-7 Vikes.

Week 7 @ Giants: The Vikings are terrible in nationally televised night games, so the Giants will destroy them. By the end of the third quarter, Vikings fans will have started a furious campaign petitioning Obama to bomb Puerto Rico so that Victor Cruz’s stupid TD cha-cha dance will be erased from the earth. Of course, Cruz will catch 2 more TD’s in the 4th quarter. Final score: 38-20 Giants.

Week 8 vs Green Bay: Still smarting from their prime-time embarrassment, the Vikings will come out on fire versus the hated Packers and finally win a night game. Peterson will steamroll Clay Matthews repeatedly, concussing the long-haired, one-dimensional pass rusher in the 2nd quarter. Matthews will spend the remainder of the game on the sideline arguing with cheerleaders about which conditioner makes flowing locks their most caress-able. Jared Allen sacks Aaron Rodgers 3 times in the first half as it slowly dawns on Rodgers that his offensive line still sucks. Final score: 27-20 Vikes.

Week 9 @ Dallas: The Vikes make their first trip to the new Cowboys Stadium and leave victorious. Ponder, Jennings, and Peterson all have huge days versus an inexplicably weak Dallas defense, and the beating is so thorough that Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones starts to cry, yet no one notices because due to his 46 plastic surgeries, Jones’ facial skin is stretched so tightly that his tear ducts are now behind his ears. Final Score: 41-27 Vikes.

Week 10 vs Washington: Once again the Vikes play a night game, and they come in overconfident after their two previous big wins. Mike Shanahan will continue to be a total numbskull and repeatedly run the option with his undersized franchise quarterback, Robert Griffin III. Although RG3 is now only one low-grade concussion from retirement, he will have enough gimmicky runs in him to defeat the Vikes, in the process showing the decision to start Erin Henderson at MLB was not a smart one. Final score: 31-20 Redskins.

Week 11 @ Seattle: Everyone’s preseason darling and Super Bowl favorite, the Seahawks, have not lived up to expectations. Their dysfunctional season reaches its nadir in this game, as Percy Harvin storms up and down the sidelines, screaming at head coach Pete Carroll, pointing fingers at QB Russell Wilson, and getting into a Peruvian knife fight with fellow miscreant Richard Sherman. After a few halftime bongloads, Harvin is calmed down enough to focus on playing, but the munchies overtake him by the fourth quarter, opening the door for the Vikings to steal the game on a late Blair Walsh 50-yard field goal. Final score: 24-21 Vikes.

Week 12 @ Green Bay: Once again riding high off a huge road victory, the Vikes slip back into overconfidence when they get to Lambeau. Ponder is picked off 4 times by an armless, undrafted rookie CB for the Packers who will go on to make the next 14 Pro Bowls. (On a side note, Packers GM Ted Thompson will have anal extraction surgery to remove the golden horseshoe he’s been harboring the past 7 years, ultimately leading to the return of the hapless Packers of the 1980′s.) The game will be close in the final moments, but Jermichael Finley will have his first non-dropped pass of the year to score the game-winning TD. Finley will then say his first 55 drops of the season were due to the sun, even the 6 in the Georgia Dome, and will immediately begin grousing that his new $8 million per year contract is an insult. Final score: 35-28 Packers.

Week 13 vs Chicago: The Vikes do to the Bears exactly what the Bears did to them at Soldier Field in Week 2. Sharif Floyd uses his insane speed to maneuver around Cutler’s massive ego, sacking him 5 times. Xavier Rhodes jams Brandon Marshall at the line of scrimmage, frustrating Marshall and causing him to tweet his retirement announcement at the two-minute warning of the first half. Adrian Peterson abuses the entire Bears defense, as he rushes for 375 yards and 6 TDs. After a 6-0 start, the Bears have lost their last 6 and are once again fading fast. Final score: 45-13 Vikes.

Week 14 @ Baltimore: Leading up to this game, the Baltimore area will be all atwitter with the sighting of a beached whale on the shores of Chesapeake Bay, but it will soon be discovered that it was only a nude Bryant McKinnie catching some rays. Overconfidence is a recurring theme for the 2013 Vikes, so they head into Baltimore expecting to win but leave with their tails between their legs. Blair Walsh’s 6 55-yard field goals aren’t enough, as Joe Flacco finds Torrey Smith beating whoever the Vikings free safety is at this point of the season over and over, leading to 4 long-bomb TDs. Final score: 33-18 Ravens.

Week 15 vs Philadelphia:  QB Mike Vick lost the starting job back in Week 7 after being arrested for running a parakeet fighting ring, so Loser McJones or some other nimrod is at the helm for Eagles. Joe Webb, finally moved to WR this season, has his best game as a pro, as the attention drawn to Jennings and Patterson leaves him open on every play. Webb has 8 catches for 150 yds and a TD, leading to more questions as to why it took so damn long for a team with little athletic ability at WR to move a clearly unsuccessful QB with insane athletic ability to WR. Coach Frazier will almost have a facial expression during the press conference. Final score: 34-2 Vikes.

Week 16 @ Cincinnati: The 9-5 Vikes control their playoff destiny and can clinch the division with a win over the crappy Bengals on the road. In classic Vikings fashion, they settle for field goals and let the opponent hang around. AP fumbles for the first time all season, and the Bungals return it for a game winning-TD. Greg Jennings no longer laughs when reporters bring up questions about the “Viking Curse”. The Packers win this week, pulling them into a tie with the Vikes for the division lead. Sphincters begin to tighten all over Vikings territory. Final score: 23-19 Bengals.

Week 17 vs Detroit: The Vikings began the season against the Lions, and now they finish it against them, leading Vikings’ fans to refer to this scheduling anomaly as the “Bookends of Loserness”. Unfortunately these Vikings’ fans forgot their favorite team was the Vikings, and the Lions, through probability-defying luck, stay in the game. To wit, Lions QB Matt Stafford darts a pass over the middle and it goes through the face mask of Vikes’ safety Mistral Raymond, knocking him unconscious. But before Raymond’s limp body hits the turf, Lions WR Calvin Johnson pulls Raymond’s helmet—which has the football still lodged in the facemask—off Raymond’s head and runs untouched into the endzone, tying the game with 2 minutes left. The Vikings, finally realizing they are playing the crappy Lions, march down after the ensuing kick and Walsh nails a 35-yard filed goal as time expires. The Vikes clinch the division. Final score: 31-28 Vikes.

Playoffs: Vikes crush everyone and win their first Super Bowl. Pigs begin to fly and Armageddon is unleashed, but to Vikes fans, it was well worth it.

There you have it. You may quibble with a detail here or there, but you have to agree this is essentially what will happen this coming season. Go Vikes!

Anytime a sports season ends without a title, there is bound to be plenty of frustration and second-guessing, but the end to the Wild’s season seemed to have an extra layer of disappointment. To try and sort it all out, let’s take a look at the current roster and heap praise and criticism where appropriate, and see who will likely return for next year.

Forwards I expect to return:

Zach Parise- He became the team and scoring leader that was expected when he first signed last summer. Although Parise didn’t do much in the playoffs, it’s hard to pin much of that futility on him. I’m glad he will be wearing a Wild jersey for years to come and I look forward to him building more chemistry on the top line.

Mikko Koivu- He completely disappeared during the playoffs, but there are rumors he was playing through an injury, which would explain his ineffectiveness. I really like Koivu, but he will need to bring his game to another level next season for fans to forget about his stinky playoff performance.

Charlie Coyle- Once Coyle became firmly entrenched on the top line, he looked like a future impact player. With his size and skill he will be a top 6 player for the Wild for a long time.

Matt Cullen- Cullen had a fantastic year, but late season injuries derailed him heading into the playoffs. As an unrestricted free agent, the Wild will have to decide how much they want to pay a 36 year-old. Given the success Cullen had last season and the fact that he would likely stay for a reasonable salary, I really hope the Wild sign him for another season or two.

Devin Setoguchi- Another reason to root for a Cullen return is the fact that he brought the best out of Setoguchi. He was frustrating to watch last season, but this year Seto brought more effort, grit, and all around energy. He will be in a contract year next season, so I imagine there will be even more incentive for him to excel. Hopefully he plays well enough to earn that contract from the Wild.

Jason Zucker- Zucker did bounce up and down from the minors this season, but he showed flashes of speed and skill that indicated he can be a serious offensive threat. I fully expect Zucker to explode next season and sign a long term deal with the Wild. He will be fun to watch.

Jason Pominville- Yes, the Wild did give up a lot to get Pominville, but he is a point per game player and team leader that is under contract for next season. I doubt he will be on the 3rd line next season, as he is definitely a top 6 type of player.

Kyle Brodziak- While Brodziak will not blow you away with skill, he is a perfect 3rd line type of player. But to justify his $3 million salary he must put up more points and bring up his awful -18 +/- rating.

Cal Clutterbuck- His physical play and grit are big pluses, but his 4 goals in 42 games were atrocious. Being a restricted free agent, I expect the Wild to match offers for Cal given that they will likely be low. He is a better offensive players than he showed last season, and it will be worth it for the Wild to bring him back—at a reasonable price.

Torrey Mitchell- This speedster will continue to anchor the 4th line and give teams problems.

Mike Rupp- He will be going into the final year of his contract, and he gives the Wild some much needed size and physicality. Guys like him are needed to protect the team’s skill guys. An excellent 4th line guy.

Zenon Konopka- Although he didn’t register a single point in 37 games, he did earn a solid 117 penalty minutes for massaging opponents’ faces with his knuckles on many an occasion. He is under contract for next season and I expect more of the same from him.

Mikael Granlund- The little Finlander is undersized and had his struggles last season, but there is no denying he has boatloads of talent. Granlund is still a top rated prospect and once he grows accustomed to the NHL game, he will be a roster mainstay for the Wild. The jury is still out on whether he will become the star many have envisioned he would be, but his ceiling is high.

Forwards I expect to be gone:

Pierre-Marc Bouchard- With his concussion history and decreased production, there is no way the Wild bring him back.

Dany Heatley- Although the lack of finishers on this team was highlighted by the playoff snoozefest, I just don’t see the Wild bringing him back. Heatley was a crappy -12 and is slated to make $5 million next season. GM Chuck Fletcher so far seems to talking as if Heater will return, but when the times comes, I see a contract buyout.

Defensemen I expect to return:

Ryan Suter- Duh, All-Star Norris candidate who logs more ice time than a polar bear. He will anchor this team at the blue line for years.

Jonas Brodin- Another duh. Brodin was one of the top rookies in the NHL last season and will be another fixture for the Wild’s defensive corps for many years. As Brodin continues to mature, the Wild will likely have the best top pair of defensemen in the NHL.

Tom Gilbert- I’m really not that enthused about Gilbert, but I fully expect the team to bring him back for the final year of his contract. After next season however, I don’t see Gilbert being in Minnesota.

Clayton Stoner- He has good size, but he went through a terrible stretch this season where he was a serious liability. He doesn’t make much, which is why I think he will be back.

Jared Spurgeon- He is a restricted free agent and the Wild don’t have a ton of money to throw around, so if some other team makes him a high offer he may be gone, but I like Spurgeon’s offensive skills and hope he returns.

Matt Dumba- Not that he ever played a game for the Wild this season, but Dumba is a top prospect who I expect the Wild to find ice time for. Beyond Suter and Brodin, the Wild have little top talent on defense, and letting Dumba learn on the job like Brodin did this season seems to be the best way to go.

Defensemen I expect to be gone:

Justin Falk- He has size but not much else. Hard to see him coming back.

Marco Scandella- He spent the entire season in the minors only to be added to the team for the playoffs where he played quite a bit. Apparently the team was happy with his postseason play, so it wouldn’t be shocking if the Wild brought this restricted free agent back.

Brett Clark- Not sure what Fletcher saw in Clark to begin with, but he will be gone next season.

Goalies I expect to return:

Josh Harding- Harding, before he got hurt late in the playoffs, looked really good. Even though he is battling MS, his doctors feel that the early detection and treatment he is receiving will allow him to be an effective NHL goalie. Not a long-term solution, but he will do as the Wild’s young goalie talent matures.

Darcy Kuemper- We have been hearing for a while now that the Wild have a deep well of goalie talent, and it’s time to start seeing it. Matt Hackett was traded, so now it’s Kuemper’s time to show what he has. Let him compete with Harding for the top job.

Goalies I expect to be gone:

Nicklas Backstrom- I like Backstrom, but he is 35 and made $6 million last season; it’s time to move on. If he is willing to give the team a discount in order to stay, the Wild will likely keep him, but I really think it’s time to give Kuemper a real shot.

Final thoughts:

The Wild improved significantly this season, have plenty of young talent either on the team already or about to arrive, and will have a full season to develop chemistry next year, so I am optimistic. Their playoff performance was uninspiring, but don’t forget the Blackhawks were the best team in the league this year; there is no shame in losing to that team.

Fletcher has some decisions to make, but Wild fans should be encouraged that this team is heading in the right direction.

Kluwe’s gone, Flip’s back, the Wild are on life support, and the Twins wore deep trenches into the basepaths while reveling in an orgiastic slugfest at Fenway last night. We’ll cover these topics and more in today’s MN Sports Round Up.

Wild: Our favorite pucksters gave us reason to hope after the Game 3 victory. They outhit and outplayed the Blackhawks for most of the game, which caused many a fan to entertain the notion that the team was turning a corner. Alas, after the spanking the Wild took in Game 4, it is apparent no corner has been turned. Now the Wild find themselves down 3-1, with their only hope being a three game winning streak against the best team in the league, with two of those wins coming on the road. Yikes.

At this point, you’d have better luck finding a left-handed albino unicorn than finding a Wild fan who believes they can rattle off three straight wins to take this series. Sure, it’s possible the Wild could do it, but it also possible that Gisele Bundchen will leave Tom Brady for me, although both scenarios are highly, highly, highly unlikely.

There are those who do believe a Minnesota miracle is possible, and they point to the 2003 Wild team that roared back from a 3-1deficit to beat an outstanding Colorado team. These hopeful hayseeds do have a point, but I just can’t envision it happening this season. I sense no resurgence about to burst forth, what with all of our goalies either being injured or inexperienced, Mikko Koivu putting David Copperfield to shame with his playoff disappearing act, and the fact that the depth of our defensive corps is what you would find in your average Holiday Inn kiddie pool.

I vividly recall that magical run in 2003. The intensity and excitement of watching your team make a deep run in the NHL playoffs is unmatched, and I desperately want it to happen this season. But it just doesn’t appear this is the year. I hope I am wrong.

Twins: With last nights delicious 15-8 crushing of the snooty Red Sox, the Twins have taken 2 of 3 in Fenway, with a chance to take the series tonight. Most Red Sox and Yankee fans think of the Twins as either a joke or as their own AAAA farm team, and they usually treat the Twins in much the same way an outdoor cat treats a mortally wounded chipmunk: they like to bat it around cruelly as the overmatched rodent twitches and chirps helplessly while in the midst of its death throes. You may call this melodrama, but I call it a reason to hate these big market bullies and their bloated payrolls. (Hey MLB, how about a salary cap?)

So yes, I do take extra delight in any success the Twinkies find in the northeast. And the Twins, now at 15-15 and only 3.5 games out of first, have got some of us fans toying with the idea that we may get to watch some meaningful baseball in September. This won’t be an easy task, however, as the Tigers are beginning to assert themselves and now lead the league in run differential, the Indians have been on a tear, and even the lowly Royals continue to hang in 2nd place. Passing all three of these teams is hard to imagine, but just as the Wild have shown a magic streak in the past, so have the Twins.

But for any such miracle to materialize, the lineup must continue to crank out runs such as they have recently (26 in the last 3 games). Aaron Hicks must get his average above .200, Justin Morneau must learn to hit homers again, and Joe Mauer must continue to rack up the doubles, and not just singles all the time. And the starting pitching, which has been showing some signs of life, must be better. Scott Diamond and Kevin Correia have both been good so far and Mike Pelfrey has been better as of late, so if Vance Worley ever extracts his head from his buttocks and a fifth starter ever emerges (Let’s go Kyle Gibson!), the Twins will be at least a .500 team.

These are a lot of ifs, but this team is on the rise (they had nowhere to go but up) and there is plenty of talent down on the farm, so we do have reasons to be excited, maybe not for this season, but soon.

Vikings: While many media outlets made a mountain out of the Chris Kluwe release, it really was nothing more than a mole hill, and a small one at that. I don’t think it was Kluwe’s outspoken advocacy of gay marriage that earned him a pink slip, I think it was a combination of factors.

1. The Ray Guy incident: Kluwe put a handwritten “Vote Ray Guy” patch on his jersey during a game, with the purpose being to draw attention to the fact that no punter is in the Hall of Fame. Kluwe paid a $5,000 fine for this stunt and ruffled feathers amongst Vikings brass in the process.

2. Being so active with his band, Tripping Icarus: I have never listed to Kluwe’s band, so I can’t say if they soar like Led Zeppelin or crash like a zeppelin made of lead. The quality of their songwriting and musicianship is likely equally as moot to Vikings’ management, as what they saw was a player showing a lot of effort and commitment into something else other than football. Right or wrong, this is not the mark of a “company man” in the NFL, as these teams demand full attention at all times. It’s all about perception and the message being sent. Kluwe’s mistake was not subordinating his musical aspirations to his punting duties. Once again, it may not be right, but it’s what the bosses expect, so sound judgement behooves you to fall in line, especially when you are paid $1.5 million to swing your leg 3 or 4 times a week.

3. The Gay Marriage debate: For the record, I am all for gay marriage. Homosexuals have every right to be just as miserable as all the heterosexuals currently trapped in the Turkish prison that is legal marriage. (I jest.) Thus I have no problem with the content of Kluwe’s messages, but I think it was the manner in which they were delivered that was a strike against him. Once again he was putting a seemingly significant amount of energy into something other than football. Yes, it was in the name of justice and civil rights, but it’s not what the team pays him to do.

4. On-field performance: I feel this is the ultimate reason for Kluwe’s release. Simply put, he was mediocre last season. If he had been punting up to the high standards he set in previous seasons, the Vikings would have tolerated all of the extraneous miscellany Kluwe toted around with him. But when the on-field performance was lagging, one could reasonably question, deservedly so or not, whether the energy he directed into his off-field endeavors would be better used by being channeled into improving his punting. I am guessing this is exactly what Vikings’ management wondered also.

So the mixture of Kluwe’s uninspiring performance, relatively high salary, and highly visible involvement in non-football related activities created a recipe for release. Just like Icarus, Chris Kluwe flew too close to the sun (i.e., the bright lights of media popularity) which caused him to crash and burn. But unlike Icarus, Kluwe’s fall won’t be fatal, as he should have no problem catching on with another team. (His placeholding skills are also valuable.) I wish him good luck.

Timberwolves: Now that the Flip Saunders hire is official, there is reason for even more optimism for Wolves fans. David Kahn apparently graduated summa cum laude from the Doug Risebrough School of Terrible Drafting, so to know he will no longer be botching high picks is a relief. Flip knows the NBA, has had solid success as a coach, and will have a much better chance of creating a culture of success at Target Center.

The Wolves have some legit pieces (Love, Rubio, Pekovic), and an excellent coach (Adelman, who I expect to return). If Flip can apply a generous heaping of sycophantic salve to Kevin Love’s easily bruised ago, then K-Love may not bolt for L.A. in a couple of years and decide to stay and make a run with the Wolves. A trade will not bring back anywhere near the value of Love, so keeping him should be Flip’s top priority, not to mention keeping Love will go along way in keeping Rubio.

The Wolves will have to add more pieces beyond their current quality role-players (Shved, Kirilenko, Budinger, Cunningham), and they will have to find a way to get Derrick Williams to blossom (or trade him). But I have canyon-loads more faith in Flip’s ability to do this than I did in Kahn’s. I am excited to see where this goes and next season should be a fun one.

Summary: Things are looking up in the long-term for all of the MN sports teams. Yes, it is the future, so by definition it is just a thought in our heads and not a tangible reality, but at least it gives us success-starved fans hope that in the not too distant future a title of some type might actually find its way to the Land of 10,000 Still Frozen in Mid-May Lakes.

Today let’s take a look at Sharrif Floyd, the defensive tackle the Vikings drafted with the 23rd pick that many football experts considered to be a steal. Instead of just going through a mind-numbing list of his attributes and history, I’ve matched facts about “Purple Floyd” to different Pink Floyd songs to give an accurate description of this future star.

“Time”: As in Floyd’s 40 yard dash time. For a man who weighs 297 pounds, Floyd ran it in an outstanding 4.92 seconds. 300-pound humans just aren’t supposed to be this fast. And his foot speed and ability to change direction have been described as “jaw dropping”. It’s safe to say speed will not be an issue for the young man.

“Another Brick in the Wall”: For at least this season, Floyd will play on a defensive line with All-Pros Kevin Williams and Jared Allen, along with solid players such as Everson Griffen and Brian Robison. If the Vikings can keep a few of these guys around for another year or two (all are free agents after the season), then the Vikes will be well on their way to forming a “Wall” of their own. But instead of an emotional wall designed to keep anyone from getting close to the real Roger Waters, this wall will be designed to stop Matt Forte in his tracks, flatten Reggie Bush in the backfield, and sack Aaron Rodgers into oblivion. Man I hope this happens.

“Money”: Because Floyd was a first round draft choice, that means he will be forced to sign a five year contract, locking him up well into his prime. And because he was picked later in the round, that means his contract will be very team-friendly. Getting a potential star for five years at a reasonable price? Yeah, that’s how great teams are built. I love it.

“High Hopes”: Some draft experts not only had Floyd as the top defensive lineman, they had him as a top 5, top 3, and even a top 2 player overall. Such highly rated lineman usually do well in the NFL and there is every reason to believe Floyd will live up to the hype. There are idiotic stories of him having “short arms” but the real reason he fell in the draft was the combination of an early run on offensive lineman and teams ahead of the Vikings just not having a great need for a defensive tackle. The sky is the limit for Purple Floyd.

“Is There Anybody Out There?”: As in, who the hell will Floyd play with next year? Almost every current Viking d-lineman is a free agent after the season, and given the advanced age of Kevin Williams (33) and the insane salary of Jared Allen ($17 million), the chances of either of them retuning, much less both of them, seems slim. I for one would love to see Jared Allen get another 3 or 4 year deal, provided the money is right, which could prove to be a pipe dream. And as much as I would love to have Kevin Williams for another two seasons, Floyd is projected to play the same position as Williams, so unless one of them moves to nose tackle permanently, this is also unlikely to happen. But if the Vikings are in the playoff mix this season, both of these veteran lineman may decide that playing for a contender is worth taking less money. Let’s hope so.

“Run Like Hell”: This one is for Jay Cutler, Matthew Stafford, and Aaron Rodgers. Get ready losers, Sharrif Floyd will be blasting through the weak interior of your offensive lines and will become a constant scene in the window of your face mask. At least that’s what we Vikes fans have to believe at this point. And if Floyd does get into the backfield on a consistent basis, he will become a stud IDP for all you fantasy football fanatics out there. Did I mention that I hope this all happens?

“Have a Cigar”: To Vikings’ GM Rick Spielman, who selected an outstanding draft class last season and appears to have done it again this year. Of course the proof will be in the purple pudding (gross), but as of now all indications are that the team added three immediate starters that all have high ceilings. Hopefully the later picks which came in the form of a left-footed punter and linebackers will also prove to be astute. Keep it up Rick. I dig your spiel, man.

Just like Pink Floyd, Purple Floyd will cause sold-out stadiums of fans to scream and cheer, but unlike Pink Floyd, Purple Floyd’s best hits are yet to come.

Where a towering volcano once lorded over the land almost 8,000 years ago, today all that remains is a massive hole. Fortunately for lovers of scenic splendor, that hole filled with centuries’ worth of rain and melted snow, forming the incomparable Crater Lake. This jewel was one of the earliest national parks, and since 1902 parkophiles have been dumbstruck by its singular beauty. Let’s have a vicarious look for ourselves.

Park: Crater Lake

How to get there: Head to either Eugene or Medford, Oregon. The park is in the southwest corner of the state and the ninety minute drive from Roseburg (on Interstate 5) is outstanding. There are plenty of other scenic stops nearby, including Mt. Shasta which is less than three hours away, so your Crater Lake excursion can easily be part of a greater West Coast journey.

Where to stay: If you have the means, stay at Crater Lake Lodge. Not only is it outrageously handsome, but it also has an open stone porch where you can sit in comfy chairs and sip a hot beverage while soaking in an unparalleled panorama from 1,000 feet above the lake. Even if you decide not to sell a semi-important internal organ to be able to afford to stay there, it is still worth a walk through just to see it.

Being a national park, Crater Lake does have two campgrounds, but beware. When I visited (late June), there was still ample snow in the Mazama campground and many of the sites were unusable due to standing water. As I waited in line outside the ranger station to secure a site, I heard a faint hum that grew louder. Soon I felt an irritating prick on my neck, and then on my arm, and within seconds I was wearing a bathrobe of mosquitoes. I was shocked by the hefty swarms of winged bloodsuckers—and I’m a Minnesotan. Even if there had been a site available at Mazama, it would have been suicide to spend more than thirty seconds outside the safety of my tent. Sadly, I was forced to seek accommodations elsewhere.

Gloriously, just twenty minutes south of the park in Fort Klamath, I found Jo’s Motel. Jo’s has recently remodeled rooms, cabins, and campsites for both tents and RVs, all at insanely low rates. But the best part about Jo’s was what it didn’t have: mosquitoes. I got a great tent site for $6 per night, had access to free hot showers, and was able to sit around the campsite without being sucked dry one milliliter at a time. I cannot recommend Jo’s highly enough.

Highlights: Uh, the lake. While geologists have their own “story” as to how Crater Lake came to be, it is filled with tedious scientific jargon and boring facts. I much prefer the version told by the local Klamath Indians, even if it doesn’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. Here’s how it goes, to the best of my recollection :

There once was a god named Llao that lived in a lodge beneath the ancient volcano. One day, Llao got the hots for the local chief’s daughter, and using perhaps the greatest pickup line in history, Llao told the beautiful girl that if she would come back to his lodge with him, he would give her eternal life. Apparently, living forever wasn’t enough for the spoiled little princess, so she rebuffed him. Not surprisingly, Llao, like most omnipotent beings, didn’t handle rejection well, so he got really pissed off and rained fire down on her tribe as punishment. But just when Llao was about to have the last laugh, on to the scene stepped Skell, another powerful god who lived on Mount Shasta in Northern California. From 125 miles away, Skell and Llao waged war–but it seems Skell only gave a half-hearted effort, because not until two priests sacrificed themselves by jumping into the erupting volcano was Skell finally sufficiently motivated enough to finish the job. He pushed Llao’s sexually frustrated ass back into the mountain, where it collapsed in on him, trapping him forever.

Now that’s a freakin’ story.

Moving on, the most striking feature on the lake’s surface is Wizard Island, an 800 foot high cinder cone with its own 100 foot deep crater.

Wizard Island is a small volcano within the caldera of a former, much larger volcano, kind of like those Russian nesting dolls, but only if those dolls were capable of releasing a cataclysmic paroxysm large enough to block out the sun. Given this, perhaps the dolls analogy isn’t so apt.

A water taxi service is offered which will take you across the lake and drop you off on the island for a reasonable fee ($42.00). Once on the island you can hike to the top for a rare 360 degree view of the lake and its sheer rock walls. Be sure you take an early morning boat though, as the later boats do not allow you to get off on the island. There is no camping on the island either, so you can stay all day but you must get back on one of the returning boats.

Another great view from an overlook.

Stay glassy, Crater Lake.

Rim Drive, a 33 mile long road that circumnavigates the lake, provides an opportunity to see it from every direction. No matter where you view it from, you will be struck by the inky indigo of its bottomless waters. Crater Lake, which reaches depths of almost 2,000 feet, is the deepest lake in the U.S. and 10th deepest lake in the world. This extreme depth combined with the purity of its water sources creates a brilliant blue that is as soothing to the eyes as it is to the spirit.

Pictures take themselves at Crater Lake.

What isn’t soothing are all the damn mosquitoes. I had planned to drive around the lake and stop at the various turnouts to get as many stunning photographs as I could, but the hordes of tiny vampires made it nearly impossible. Within seconds of exiting my car, billions of them were assaulting my integument; I had time to take only one or two pictures before having to retreat to the safety of my car. Frustrated but undaunted, I devised a system wherein I would pull up to a spot, jump out and run to the rim, snap my photo, and then dive back into the running car before the message could be passed along amongst the mosquito clans that there was a blood buffet open for business. It was awkward and I looked like a complete idiot, but dammit, it worked.

Despite the involuntary blood donations, Crater Lake is the very definition of majesty. I would suggest visiting later in the summer after the ground has dried a bit, however. The crowds will be larger but at least it will be humans annoying you instead of disease-carrying skeeters. Get there if you can, for photographs just do not do it justice.

A tree stump near the rim looks like a seal arching upward to clap his fins together. Just to the left of the tree you can see a faint white mountain in the background, which is Mt. Shasta, located 125 miles away.

With plenty of excitement on the MN sports scene lately (eliciting both cheers and groans), let’s take a look at each of our favorite teams.

Wild: Yes, their playoff opener in Chicago was a heartbreaking overtime loss, but it’s hard not to like how they battled on the road versus the best team in the NHL. Josh Harding—who has hardly played all season due to serious health issues—came in for an injured Nicklas Backstrom and kept his team in the game. Great goaltending is a must if the Wild are to have any chance in this series, and that is exactly what Harding gave them last night.

The real challenge for the Wild will be finding a way to generate enough offense. Their scoring fell off a cliff over the last part of the season as they lost to bad teams repeatedly. It would be great if they could rediscover their scoring touch in the playoffs, but considering  the Blackhawks gave up the fewest goals in the NHL this season, any type of offensive resurgence will need to be even more potent in order to be effective.

Although I have a hard time seeing the Wild win this series, if Jason Pominville can return for Friday’s game, that will give the Wild a much needed boost. There is also the possibility that Dany Heatley may return soon, and if both of those guys are back on the ice, then the Wild have three solid lines that even Chicago may find hard to deal with.

I’d love to see the Wild advance, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Twins: While still not looking like a playoff team, the Twins have played much better than most expected coming into the season. Kevin Correia has emerged as a staff ace and the bullpen has been nothing short of outstanding. If Vance Worley and Mike Pelfrey can stop being putrid and Scott Diamond can continue to improve off his solid season last year, then this rotation might approach respectability. A huge “if”, but I hope it happens.

The lineup has been decent, but not as good as was expected heading into the season. Aaron Hicks so far has made Minnie Mendoza look like Ted Williams, thus I wonder how long before the team sends him down to AAA. Joe Mauer was on a tear, but now he’s on a reverse tear as his batting average continues to plummet. If this wasn’t bad enough, Trevor Plouffe, Chris Parmalee, and Ryan Doumit have all been extra stinky, and if they continue to struggle so will the Twins.

In short, the Twins need their pitching and hitting to improve greatly. Other than that, they’re doing great.

Vikings: After the first day of the NFL draft, I was all smiles after Vikings’ GM Rick Spielman found a way to get three first round draft choices. Some less than bright critics claimed the Vikings gave up too much for the pick (2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 7th rounders), but I disagree. The 7th rounder is essentially worthless, the Vikes already had another 4th rounder, and they had to give up at least a 2nd and 3rd to move up into the first anyway. Plus, the Vikes had 11 draft choices to begin with, and there just isn’t room on the team for that many new players, so they had to get rid of something. The Vikings still drafted 9 players, 3 in the first round, and they have an extra 3rd round pick next season from the Harvin trade. This team may have some problems, but the draft isn’t one of them.

Thanks to an early run on offensive lineman, the Vikings had two solid defensive players fall into their laps at picks 23 and 25. Defensive tackle Sharif Floyd and cornerback Xavier Rhodes were both projected to be picked higher and they can step in immediately and bolster the defense. With the other first rounder, the Vikes selected Cordarrelle Patterson, an insanely talented yet inexperienced wide receiver. Yes, this pick was a gamble, but if Patterson is willing to learn from Greg Jennings, then he can develop the habits and mindset that will allow him to thrive in the NFL. Even if Patterson isn’t a great receiver right off the bat, he will be a dangerous kick returner, so he will contribute.

No matter how you slice it, the Vikings got three top talent players that will likely be starters at the beginning of next season, and all three have the potential to grow into outstanding players. We’ll see how it pans out.

Timberwolves: Mercifully the season is over for the T-Pups, and the future does look brighter. Next season, Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio should both be healthy for the first time in forever, and when you add in Pekovic, Kirilenko, Shved, and Williams (assuming they are all on the team), they have the talent to be a playoff team. Not a title winning team, mind you, but a team that will be fun to watch.

The major issue with the Wolves is who the coach and GM will be. Rick Adelman has yet to decide if he will return, and the rumor is that David Kahn will be fired and replaced by Flip Saunders. I would love to see Adelman stay and Saunders brought in, which would mean great coaching and much better drafting as the team moves forward. (Johnny Flynn over Steph Curry? Really, Kahn? Ugh.)

Today we travel as far northwest in the continental U.S. as possible to take a tour of Olympic National Park. With creeping glaciers, silent rainforests, and vast beaches all within its boundaries, there is no shortage of awe to be had.

Park: Olympic

How to get there: Head to Seattle, then either take a ferry across Puget Sound or drive south to Tacoma and head back north once you reach the Olympic Peninsula. A trip to Olympic can be easily rolled into a national park trifecta, as Mount Rainier National Park is a short drive to the southeast and Pacific Rim National Park is a quick ferry ride north to Vancouver Island. The park itself is a kind of rounded-off square shape, and although no roads cross the park fully, numerous spur roads—intermittently sprouting off of the main highway that circumnavigates the park—take you in far enough to reach some of Olympic’s finest gems.

Where to stay: While hotels, motels, and lodges are dotted around the park and in the nearby communities, I strongly suggest making your temporary home in one of the park’s 16 campgrounds. Not only will camping in the park save you time and money, being immersed in such wild grandeur also turns ordinary loafing around your campsite into a scenic adventure. If you choose to stay in a tent, make sure it is 100% waterproof, for much of Olympic is a rainforest and its incessant rains will find and exploit any weakness in your tent’s fabric. And if you’ve ever had the misfortune to spend a night in a wet sleeping bag, you know how utterly miserable it can be.

Highlights: Let’s start with the Olympic Mountains. Although they are relatively short, the peaks of the Olympic Mountains are host to 60 glaciers. The western slopes of the ranges receive skyloads of precipitation each year (Mt. Olympus itself gets 34 feet!), providing the necessary beverages for the crowds of western hemlock and Douglas fir that populate their flanks. As your eyes scan up the mountainsides, this deep green of treeness immediately gives way to the bright white snows, creating an arresting contrast that you can stare at for hours. The best vantage point for viewing the range is at Hurricane Ridge. With a visitor center and picnic tables, it is a great spot to sit and eat while gazing at the Olympic peaks—unless the occasional 75 mph winds are whipping up that day (usually in winter only). Fortunately when I visited the wind breezed by gently, allowing me to soak in the view for over an hour.

Despite being less than 8,000 feet in elevation, the near constant precipitation that drops on the Olympic Mountain range has created some big–ass glaciers.

As we descend from the mountains, we hit the most enchanting part of the park: the rainforests. The Hoh Rainforest, located on the west side of the park, isn’t just a living cathedral of verdant beauty, it is also one of the quietest places in the U.S. Take a hike on the Hall of Mosses Trail or one of the other nearby trails and sink yourself into a silence you just can’t find anywhere else. In the Hoh, peace is as abundant as the plant life.

Plant life thrives on every inch of viable space in the Hoh rainforest.

In the rainforest, the trees grow shaggy green beards as epiphytes find the limbs a perfect place to call home. These club mosses and licorice ferns are in no need of soil; all the nutrients they require are delivered right to them courtesy of the mineral-carrying Pacific breezes blowing inland.

This enormous Sitka spruce is just one of the countless gigantic trees found in Olympic.

The trees in Olympic will make your eyes bug. Huge red cedars, Douglas firs, and Sitka spruces grow to ridiculous heights and girths. With so much rain to feed their expansion over the centuries, Olympic’s rainforest trees are a dendrochronologist’s dream. These woody veterans were here long before you and I and will remain long after we are gone, so a nod of respect is due them. Grow on, my friends.

While in the Hoh Rainforest, stay at the campground there and enjoy some time listening to the rushing ribbon of sapphire known as the Hoh River. It is a brilliant blue with a hint of milkiness, indicative of its glacial origins in the Olympic peaks beyond. If you are lucky, as I was, you can snare one of the campsites right next to the river and be cradled off to sleep each night by the river’s natural lullaby.

Now they say cold water can take your breath away, but the frigid waters of the Hoh River also managed to take away my gender. Enter at your own risk.

If you are looking to take a dip and glacially cold water isn’t your favorite, head over to Lake Crescent and hit the public swimming beach. Feel your stress dissolve as you float in the cool purity while studying the surrounding mountains that tower overhead. There are also plenty of rainbow and cutthroat trout patrolling the lake’s depths (which is over 1,000 feet), so the fisherperson will also find rewarding recreation.

The sand is soft and the water is warm, relatively speaking, so when you throw in the stunning vista, Lake Crescent really does have it all.

Olympic is also home to a varied and sometimes exclusive collection of wildlife. Roosevelt Elk, named after national park hero Theodore Roosevelt, are the largest subspecies of elk in the U.S. These regal ruminants are unmanaged and roam free, often finding places such as the Hoh Rainforest perfect for going about their daily elk business. They are fetching but they are also huge and territorial, so keep your distance.

A Roosevelt Elk bull is a magnificent beast.

While there are elk, black bear, and cougars in Olympic’s wilderness, strangely enough none of these animals are responsible for the only recorded death by animal attack in the park’s history. The mountain goat that gored an unfortunate victim three years ago is part of a herd that isn’t even native to the park; well–meaning morons transplanted them to Olympic back in the 1920′s. And it turns out that these goats have a history of being dicks, as they have also been guilty of mowing down fragile meadows and of harassing other park visitors. These transgressions have forced the park service to “manage” the herd (i.e. shoot them), so maybe the goats’ recent anger is justified.

The final part of Olympic that warrants your appreciation is the coast. With over 60 miles of shoreline within the park boundaries, finding your own tranquil stretch of sand isn’t too difficult. Be mindful of the tide, however, as when it comes in, the previously motionless drift logs scattered about the beach are animated into rolling death traps by the powerful ocean waves. As you stroll along, keep your eyes open for breaching gray whales or frolicking harbor seals.

Finding space to lay out your beach blanket is not a problem in Olympic, but the chilly sea breeze makes sunbathing a challenge.

Summary: Olympic National Park has something for everyone. Whether you prefer beaches, forests, or mountains, this park provides breathtaking examples of them all. The only unpleasant thing about a trip to this living jewel is having to say goodbye.

In this latest installment we head to the Gunflint Trail area in search of walleyes and wilderness in the Boundary Waters. So throw away your deodorant and set sail for Ogishkemuncie Lake.

Lake: Ogishkemuncie

Target species: Walleye, smallmouth bass, northern pike.

Getting there: While Ogish can be accessed from several directions, we approached from the east, entering at Sea Gull Lake (entry point 54) and proceeding through Alpine, Jasper, and Kingfisher to reach our wilderness home for 5 days. We set out early and reached Ogish the same day, but if you’re interested in a more leisurely pace the trip there can be broken up into two days.

Now Sea Gull, besides being beautiful and teeming with fish itself, is enormous. This means that not only is the wind usually curling up waves of various sizes, but also when a storm hits it can be especially nasty. Therefore I would recommend staying the night at the Trail’s End Campground (managed by the Forest Service) and then leaving early the next morning. And, as always, be apprised as to what the weatherman predicts is in store for the day.

We camped on the second most westerly island on Ogish. I would recommend this island for not just the solitude and swim-friendly shore, but also for the lookout point just a short hike up from the campsite that offers fantastic 360 degree view of the lake. It’s a great place to just relax and observe nature at its finest.

Looking east from the island’s summit on a drizzly evening.

Fishing: While not as wildly successful as some of our other BWCA journeys, the fishing on Ogish was still fast enough to keep us interested. We reeled in plenty of smallies near fallen trees in the shallows and even a few northerns hungry for daredevils. As expected, these angry fish fought valiantly and provided plenty of excitement, but they would not suffice for our one fish meal.

The ladies have always told Kevin that he has a nice bass.

The walleyes took more effort to locate. It wasn’t so much a matter of where the walleyes were, it was when. Once dusk began to approach, Sander vitreus started chomping. Off the western tip of our island, Dusty found a few nice fish using a glow-in-the-dark jig slimily adorned with a leech.

“I got my dinner. What are you fishless losers gonna eat?”

Now, none of us are fit to carry Al Lindner’s spare tackle box, so when I say we couldn’t catch walleyes during the day, that by no means you won’t be able to. There are plenty of fish in Ogish, just keep moving and experimenting until you find the right formula.

When fish cleaning or dish duty is on the line, campsite horseshoes are absolutely high stakes.

On a side note, a great way to add some campsite fun to your BWCA trip is to bring along a plastic horseshoe set. It weighs next to nothing and is a great alternative to poker when gambling to see who has dirty dish duty.

In addition to the fishin’, Ogish offers another treat: cliff jumping. Obviously plenty of caution should be exercised while undertaking such an activity when you’re a solid day’s paddle and portage from civilization, but if you’re both sober and careful enough, thrills can be had.

Here John does his best impression of a very white, flight-challenged eagle.

Summary: Ogishkemuncie is more than a funny name. It is a gorgeous backcountry playground that rewards you handsomely for making the effort to visit. Hopefully the fish will be in a gluttonous mood when you go, but if not, settling for the superb scenery and surrounding stillness will hardly seem like settling at all.

While not as celebrated as some of the other iconic mountain national parks such as Yellowstone or Yosemite, Rocky Mountain National Park is nevertheless a must-see. I spent five days there a few summers ago, so in today’s post I will share some of my adventures and experiences that may help in planning your own high-altitude excursion.

Park: Rocky Mountain

How to get there: In short, head towards Denver. The park is approximately 65 miles northwest from the Mile High City, and the charming town of Estes Park is nestled right up against the park’s eastern boundary. If coming from the north, you can head west to the park from Fort Collins by getting on to U.S. Route 34, a twisting road that descends into the Big Thompson Canyon where it follows the undulations of the Big Thompson River. The bare rock canyon walls rise on either side of you, blocking out the sun as you gain in elevation before you finally emerge back into the light as the road nears Estes Park. This drive is splendid and I highly recommend it.

Where to stay: While there, I camped two nights at Moraine Park campground within the park itself but was forced to stay the other nights at the KOA in Estes Park. Initially disappointed by my lack of foresight in reserving a park spot for each night, the KOA stay turned out to be a blessing, as the available showers were a godsend after the long, sweaty days on the hiking trails. I wholeheartedly recommend camping within the park for a night or two, but staying at the KOA or one of the other hotels or campgrounds near Estes Park is also an excellent option.

Highlights: Although hiking is my primary recommendation for recreation at RMNP, a fantastic way to acclimate yourself to the elevation and take in wondrous alpine scenery is to drive the Trail Ridge Road through the park. Reaching an elevation of 12,000 feet, this road is the highest continuously paved road in the U.S., and as you roll along it presents you with view after outstanding view of the alpine tundra, complete with herds of browsing elk.

Just one of the infinite number of tremendous alpine vistas available along the Trail Ridge Road.

Along the way, you can stop at the Alpine Visitor Center to see interpretive exhibits and grab a quick lunch, all at 11,800 feet. Numerous scenic overlooks are dotted along the roadside, providing plenty of opportunities to stare at the treeless expanse that stretches out in all directions. Unless you have acclimated yourself, even walking the short distance from a turnoff to an overlook point will have you short of breath, a tangible effect of the thin mountain air. Take your time and breathe deeply.

Now let’s get to hiking, my main reason for visiting RMNP. My brother Tim joined me for this adventure and we undertook two unforgettable hikes, one to Mills Lake and the other to the Andrews Glacier. To find out which of the hundreds of hikes would be best for you, just stroll into any ranger station and pick the expert brain of one of the numerous backcountry hiking volunteers. These friendly folks can assess your abilities and suggest a route that will maximize both your enjoyment and your safety.

My and Tim’s ultimate goal was to walk on a glacier, so after our initial acclimation on the Trail Ridge Road, the next step in preparing our hemoglobin-challenged bloodstreams for a glacial assault was a modest three-mile hike to Mills Lake the following day.

Per the suggestion of a trail-seasoned park ranger, we drove to the trailhead at 6 am in order to finish our six-mile round-trip hike before the daily thunderstorms began to zap the mountainsides with lightning. Arriving early for your hike also ensures a parking spot and plenty of solitude once on the trail. (Later in the day you can take a shuttle to avoid traffic issues.) The trail was wide and impeccably maintained, so we had a relatively easy time putting the miles behind us. The chilled mountain morning air was clean and fresh and evaporated any sweat instantly, and before we knew it, we had arrived at our destination.

Mills Lake was dazzling.

Mills Lake is well worth the effort it takes to get there.

You can find your own spot on the shore away from other hikers to take in the lake’s splendor in peace. Just follow the rocky shoreline until the voices fade and the silence grows.

This little guy sat on a rock next to us and devoured his fruity snack in seconds. And before you chastise me for feeding a wild animal, I must note that it wasn’t us that gave it to him.

Although they may be irresistibly cute, please do not feed the squirrels that patrol tourist hotspots, for it only makes them bolder and a nuisance. As for larger mammals such as elk or bighorn sheep, keep your distance because they can run very fast and they don’t take kindly to humans violating their personal space.

Yes, the water was cold, but if you’re from Minnesota or North Dakota it is your duty to show tourists from other parts of the country that we northerners are a hardy breed, even if that means flirting with hypothermia.

If you’re so inclined, take a quick dip into one of the mountain lakes. Mills Lake cooled Tim and I to the core after just a few minutes of soaking in its chilly purity. If scratching glass with your nipples isn’t your thing, bring a fishing rod and try catching some of the colorful trout that glide through the crystal clear water.

With this first “training” hike completed, we returned to camp and were now confident in our ability to reach the Andrews Glacier the following day. Our lavishly bearded ranger had suggested the Andrews route for its relative ease of access (i.e. no technical climbing involved). For this longer hike we awoke even earlier and were stomping our way up the empty trails not long after 5 am. Halfway to our destination we paused at a lake known as The Loch to rest our legs and devour fistfuls of M & M-heavy trail mix, all in anticipation of the strenuous ascent still ahead of us. Instead of me attempting to describe The Loch’s beauty, I will let this picture produce its own thousand words.

Yet another reason to arrive early: the mirror effect caused by the lake’s morning stillness.

Recharged, we got back on the trail and continued to rise in elevation, leaving the 10,000-foot mark in our wake as we approached 11,000. The trees ended and the boulder field began—and that’s when the real work started. Fortunately, kind souls have marked the hard-to-follow trail by stacking small stones on top of larger boulders. Tread carefully through this section, for although it isn’t as steep, a misstep among the rounded rocks could easily lead to a sprained ankle. Soon we saw a stream tumbling down its rocky chute; the first physical evidence that our glacier wasn’t far away. At the upper edge of the boulder field, the trail ascended at a very steep angle, and because we were now at 11,300 feet, we were taking three breaths to every one step. Because of this extreme incline, Andrews Glacier is not visible until you step up over the ledge at the top of the trail’s final climb, but once your head peeks over, you instantly quit thinking about your aching leg muscles.

The Andrews Glacier holds fast to its mountainside resting place, sending its meltwater down into the Andrews Tarn where it eventually spills over and descends as a gurgling stream. (Note the tiny human figure near the bottom of the glacier.)

As inviting as its brilliant turquoise waters looked, there would be no swimming in the Andrews Tarn. The water in this pond-sized glacial pool is as close the the solid-to-liquid phase transition as H2O gets: dangerous for swimming, but perfect for drinking (after filtering, of course). We rested, snacked, and stared at the ancient icy behemoth before us. We couldn’t stay too long, as noon was approaching and an exposed mountaintop is not where you want to be when the electrifying afternoon storms roll in. But just as we were preparing to leave, another hiker popped up over the trail ledge behind us. Outfitted with high-tech clothing and gear this obviously fit adventurer waved as he passed us and just kept on going, right up the side of the glacier, heading for the top, which is part of the Continental Divide. It was at this point that Tim and I realized it was safe to walk on the glacier itself, and we wasted no time in taking advantage.

Although not nearly as skilled nor as physically fit as the climber above me to the left, I managed to walk across the soft, greasy snow of the Andrews Glacier without sliding into the frigid waters and unforgiving boulders below.

While walking on the base of the glacier is relatively safe, do not attempt to climb the entire thing if you do not have the proper equipment and experience, for the Andrews Glacier has claimed lives. We snapped our photos, cruised back down the trail to the parking lot, and ate like bulimic rhinos at The Grumpy Gringo in Estes Park. (The chicken enchiladas are first-rate.) Although Tim and I had planned to sip vanilla porters around a campfire that evening, we were both sawing logs well before dusk surrendered to darkness. A better night’s sleep I cannot recall.

Summary: Whether you choose to experience Rocky Mountain National Park from the comfort of your vehicle or the comfort of a hiking trail (or both), you will have an adventure to remember. As long as we continue to be trapped in our extended winter, you might as well use this time do a little extra planning and reading about the park to ensure you maximize your time there. If you’ve already been and have a story of your own or if you are planning to go and have questions, feel free to leave a comment or question.

I love outdoor sports every bit as much as the sports played in arenas and stadiums, so to optimize my excursions into nature I am always on the lookout for the latest technology. Here I will go through some of my favorite pieces of camping gear, whether it be for backpacking, car camping, or Boundary Waters-ing.

One piece of advice I will offer is to not be afraid to spend more money for top-end gear. In my experience I have found that having a bomb-proof tent or indestructible backpack is well worth the extra cash. And the best part about buying quality camping swag? Resell value. Case in point: way back in 1998 I bought a $375 North Face Nebula two person tent. It was expensive, especially back then, but I used that reliable nylon fortress on countless adventures for twelve years and was then able to sell it for $125 on eBay. So essentially I rented that tent for $20 per year. I did the same with an Arc’teryx Bora 80 backpack that I bought for $350, used for a decade, and then sold for $100. If you take good care of these quality items you can squeeze years of adventures out of them and people will still pay you good money for them years later.

Let’s get to some of my favorite gear currently in my arsenal.

Tent: Three years ago I waited for the annual big spring sale at REI (you get a coupon for 20% off any one item) and bought a Nemo Losi. I cannot endorse this tent strongly enough—I love it. To begin with, the walls and ceiling of the tent are all mesh screen. This allows plenty of airflow and you can even take midday naps in it, something impossible to do in most other tents which act as sweltering greenhouses when exposed to the summer sun. If there is no rain in the forecast, you can keep the rainfly off at night at stare at the stars as you drift off to sleep. Simply outstanding.

The fine mesh walls of this great tent keep the mosquitoes out and let the cool breeze in, two qualities Ursa found most agreeable as evening descended in the mountains near Lake Tahoe.

The Losi is simple to set up, comes with a convenient stuff sack that rolls up neatly, and when it is raining, I swear the rainfly could repel a tsunami when fastened and tightened properly. It also has plenty of mesh pockets inside for storage of personal items and the doors on both sides zipper open wide to allow easy entry and exit. For $35 you can get a lightweight footprint, which will extend the life of the floor of your tent, and for an extra $40 you can get a Pawprint, which is a soft fabric sheet that snaps onto the inside floor of your tent, holding your sleeping pad(s) in place while further protecting your tent floor. A marvelous innovation and worth every cent.

With the rainfly firmly attached, my trusty tent was ready to do battle against the heavy rainforest precipitation of Olympic National Park. Ironically, not a single drop fell over the four days Ursa and I were camped there.

The next recreational masterpiece is my Kelty camp chair. I know you can pick up a camp chair at any department store for $10, but allow me to present my case for upgrading to the Kelty.

First of all, it is comfortable as hell. With a padded backrest, adjustable backrest angle, and wide armrests, you don’t just sit in this chair, you luxuriate in it. In addition to comfort, it also has plenty of storage space. On either side of the seat are mesh storage pockets and each armrest has a wide cupholder/storage space that can be adjusted to hold a can, bottle, or even bigmouth Nalgene bottle. To top it off there is a bottle opener attached to one of the armrests, which, if you enjoy sipping a cold pale ale while lounging around the campsite as I do, is just pure genius. The chair folds up neatly into its own carrying bag that has a shoulder strap for easy transport and an additional storage pocket.

As if chilling next to Olympic’s gorgeous Hoh River wasn’t peaceful enough, doing so from the supreme comfort of my super-chair added an extra dimension of relaxation.

And this fireside throne isn’t just for car camping, it is also perfect for canoe trips. There are BWCA purists who only bring the absolute essentials on a canoe trip. I am not one of those purists. I can’t fathom going into the Boundary Waters without my camp chair. I went without once and sat on logs and rocks for four days, which, unsurprisingly, were a pain in the ass. Also, the shoulder sling on the Kelty’s carrying case makes it exceptionally easy to portage with and the chair itself is not monstrously heavy anyway, so it doesn’t weigh you down even on the longest of portages. And once you settle in after a long day of fishing, the Kelty will cradle you in its soft nylon arms like the big, stinky, unshaven baby you are. Priceless.

The shoulder sling of this wonderful camp chair made it easy for me and Ursa to explore the beaches of Lake Tahoe until we found a perfect spot to relax at.

The final piece of camping comfort I will endorse today is the Exped SynMat 7 Air Pad. (Look at the first picture in this post, Ursa is laying on the air pad.) Over the years, I have progressed from an egg-crate foam mat, to a thin Therm-a-Rest air pad, and now to the Exped for the last 5 years, and the evolution of these mats has been akin to upgrading from a horse-drawn buggy to a Range Rover.

This air pad can fundamentally change the way you camp. To wit, the Exped, when inflated, is thick enough so that no part of your body ever makes contact with the ground underneath, so you can pitch your tent in places with roots or rocks and have it make no difference as you slumber soundly all night. This is a huge advantage when choice tent sites are not available, such as if you run into aggressive weather and are forced get off the lake in a hurry and improvise a campsite, or if the other tent-friendly campsites in an area are all taken you can settle for the more “rustic” site with no reservations about your comfort while sleeping.

This pad has an ingenious air pump that is built into the mat itself. You just unroll the mat, open the intake valve, and use your hands to press up and down on the integrated pump, kind of like performing CPR on a squirrel (without the mouth-to-mouth part). It will take a good 3-4 minutes to fully inflate the pad, which I’ve inexplicably heard some exceptionally lazy people complain about, but after your first night on the pad you realize that as you’re pumping up this mat you are filling it with caressing nighttime comfort, and not just air. When time comes to break down camp, you just open the one-way valves on the end of the mat, fold it into a narrow strip, roll it up, and slide it back into its own bag. When packed up this mat is about the size of a football, so it takes up very little of your precious pack space.

I imagine pads such as this one are even more advanced by now, and I see Nemo has started producing their own, which are most likely outstanding. But I will use my Exped for a few more years before selling it on Ebay where I will receive the down payment for my next top-end air pad. It’s a great way to go.

These three items have all added significantly to the comfort of my camping adventures, and will do so for years to come. I’ve been in tents that leaked, on sleeping mats that didn’t allow for much sleep, and gone without a good camp chair, and the discomfort in these situations subtracted from the overall satisfaction with my wilderness journeys. (Especially the leaky tent, yikes!) But now that I have graduated to high-tech gear, I have arrived at a comfort to discomfort ratio that enhances any outdoor adventure. Life in the wild has become even more sublime, something I didn’t think was possible.

If you have any favorite camping gear that has elevated your outdoor enjoyment, by all means let me know about it in the comments section. I am always on the lookout for the next great technological advancement. I’ll leave you with one last picture to stoke your camping appetite for this upcoming summer, provided winter ever ends.

Lake Aloha, located in Desolation Wilderness in the mountains just south of Lake Tahoe, is backpacking nirvana. The playful Rottweiler in the lower left of the picture had the time of her life.