A Preposterously Premature Purple Prognostication

Since the Wild and Wolves are done, and the Twins have settled into a pleasantly surprising run of mediocrity, my sports thoughts turn to the Vikings. Today let’s take a tour through their upcoming schedule and see if we can figure out exactly what will happen this season. I make no guarantees, other than that everything I predict here will come true, down to every last minute detail.

Week 1 @ Detroit: The Lions will likely be crap again, and without Titus “Crime Spree” Young making plays from the slot, their passing game will drop down a notch. New CB Xavier Rhodes will use his size well in matching up with Megatron, holding him to a paltry 7 catches for 125 yds and 2 TDs. But this will not be enough as Greg Jennings shines in his Viking debut, catching 2 TD passes of his own from Ponder. Final Score: 24-20 Vikes.

Week 2 @ Chicago: I hate Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall is Titus Young with only slightly better impulse control, and seeing those pregame shots of some swarthy street vendor heaping loads of crap on to a Chicago Dog always turns my stomach, but the Vikings just can’t win in Soldier Field. (One win in the past 12 years!) Peterson will run for 175 and 2, yet Julius Peppers will take up residence in Ponder’s jock, sacking him into oblivion and forcing 3 turnovers, 2 of which will be “blind squirrel” tipped pass interceptions, a Bears specialty. As usual, Cutler will narrowly avoid being sacked 37,000 times and will find Marshall for 15 impossible completions. Final Score: 31-17 Bears.

Week 3 vs Cleveland: A raucous crowd will be nicely liquored and lathered for the final home opener at the Dome, and AP will not disappoint. All Day will run through the Browns’ defense like Adrian Peterson through a Cleveland defense, and Ponder will hit Cordarrelle Patterson on a quick slant that Patterson will turn into a 60-yard TD. Patterson’s magnificent weaving and accelerating through traffic will elicit a spontaneous “Per-cy who?! Per-cy who?!” chant from the entire Dome crowd. Final Score: 28-14 Vikings.

Week 4 vs Pittsburgh (in London): The Vikes will make their first trip across the pond to play in the NFL’s idiotic Europe game, a thoroughly moronic annual stunt that the league continues to push despite the utter, utter failure that was the World League of American Football (The WLAF for short, or as it was known more colloquially, the “We Laugh” League). The NFL tried polishing this minor league turd for 17 excruciating years, and the torch of loserness is still carried today in the form of this game in London. Although I will be on the verge of suicide after hearing endless “Big Ben” jokes, Ben Roethlisberger will look more like a stationary clock tower than a dynamic NFL QB as Sharif “Purple” Floyd will take advantage of Ben’s slow feet and repeatedly slam him into the royal turf of Wembley Stadium. The result will be a victory fit for a king—a Viking, that is. Final Score: 33-10 Vikes.

Week 5 Bye: Despite being 3-1, the rumblings will grow louder for Matt Cassel to take over for Ponder at QB. Frazier and company will offer up platitudes of support for Ponder, and the media jackals will start to smell blood and attack the issue even further. Ponder will be visited by an angel that week who will bring a message from God: “Christian, for all that is holy, plant your feet before you throw.” Ponder responds to this divine command by saying, “But my feet are my greatest weapon.” The angel throws its hands up in frustration and visits Frazier the next night to push for a switch to Cassel.

Week 6 vs Carolina: After 4 straight 3-and-outs to begin the game, Panthers QB Cam Newton begins sobbing heavily on the sideline and WR Steve Smith starts fistfights with 3 teammates, 2 coaches, and the waterboy—all in the first half. Ponder starts to plant his feet consistently, throwing for 250 and 2, leading the Vikes to the win. Final score: 31-7 Vikes.

Week 7 @ Giants: The Vikings are terrible in nationally televised night games, so the Giants will destroy them. By the end of the third quarter, Vikings fans will have started a furious campaign petitioning Obama to bomb Puerto Rico so that Victor Cruz’s stupid TD cha-cha dance will be erased from the earth. Of course, Cruz will catch 2 more TD’s in the 4th quarter. Final score: 38-20 Giants.

Week 8 vs Green Bay: Still smarting from their prime-time embarrassment, the Vikings will come out on fire versus the hated Packers and finally win a night game. Peterson will steamroll Clay Matthews repeatedly, concussing the long-haired, one-dimensional pass rusher in the 2nd quarter. Matthews will spend the remainder of the game on the sideline arguing with cheerleaders about which conditioner makes flowing locks their most caress-able. Jared Allen sacks Aaron Rodgers 3 times in the first half as it slowly dawns on Rodgers that his offensive line still sucks. Final score: 27-20 Vikes.

Week 9 @ Dallas: The Vikes make their first trip to the new Cowboys Stadium and leave victorious. Ponder, Jennings, and Peterson all have huge days versus an inexplicably weak Dallas defense, and the beating is so thorough that Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones starts to cry, yet no one notices because due to his 46 plastic surgeries, Jones’ facial skin is stretched so tightly that his tear ducts are now behind his ears. Final Score: 41-27 Vikes.

Week 10 vs Washington: Once again the Vikes play a night game, and they come in overconfident after their two previous big wins. Mike Shanahan will continue to be a total numbskull and repeatedly run the option with his undersized franchise quarterback, Robert Griffin III. Although RG3 is now only one low-grade concussion from retirement, he will have enough gimmicky runs in him to defeat the Vikes, in the process showing the decision to start Erin Henderson at MLB was not a smart one. Final score: 31-20 Redskins.

Week 11 @ Seattle: Everyone’s preseason darling and Super Bowl favorite, the Seahawks, have not lived up to expectations. Their dysfunctional season reaches its nadir in this game, as Percy Harvin storms up and down the sidelines, screaming at head coach Pete Carroll, pointing fingers at QB Russell Wilson, and getting into a Peruvian knife fight with fellow miscreant Richard Sherman. After a few halftime bongloads, Harvin is calmed down enough to focus on playing, but the munchies overtake him by the fourth quarter, opening the door for the Vikings to steal the game on a late Blair Walsh 50-yard field goal. Final score: 24-21 Vikes.

Week 12 @ Green Bay: Once again riding high off a huge road victory, the Vikes slip back into overconfidence when they get to Lambeau. Ponder is picked off 4 times by an armless, undrafted rookie CB for the Packers who will go on to make the next 14 Pro Bowls. (On a side note, Packers GM Ted Thompson will have anal extraction surgery to remove the golden horseshoe he’s been harboring the past 7 years, ultimately leading to the return of the hapless Packers of the 1980’s.) The game will be close in the final moments, but Jermichael Finley will have his first non-dropped pass of the year to score the game-winning TD. Finley will then say his first 55 drops of the season were due to the sun, even the 6 in the Georgia Dome, and will immediately begin grousing that his new $8 million per year contract is an insult. Final score: 35-28 Packers.

Week 13 vs Chicago: The Vikes do to the Bears exactly what the Bears did to them at Soldier Field in Week 2. Sharif Floyd uses his insane speed to maneuver around Cutler’s massive ego, sacking him 5 times. Xavier Rhodes jams Brandon Marshall at the line of scrimmage, frustrating Marshall and causing him to tweet his retirement announcement at the two-minute warning of the first half. Adrian Peterson abuses the entire Bears defense, as he rushes for 375 yards and 6 TDs. After a 6-0 start, the Bears have lost their last 6 and are once again fading fast. Final score: 45-13 Vikes.

Week 14 @ Baltimore: Leading up to this game, the Baltimore area will be all atwitter with the sighting of a beached whale on the shores of Chesapeake Bay, but it will soon be discovered that it was only a nude Bryant McKinnie catching some rays. Overconfidence is a recurring theme for the 2013 Vikes, so they head into Baltimore expecting to win but leave with their tails between their legs. Blair Walsh’s 6 55-yard field goals aren’t enough, as Joe Flacco finds Torrey Smith beating whoever the Vikings free safety is at this point of the season over and over, leading to 4 long-bomb TDs. Final score: 33-18 Ravens.

Week 15 vs Philadelphia:  QB Mike Vick lost the starting job back in Week 7 after being arrested for running a parakeet fighting ring, so Loser McJones or some other nimrod is at the helm for Eagles. Joe Webb, finally moved to WR this season, has his best game as a pro, as the attention drawn to Jennings and Patterson leaves him open on every play. Webb has 8 catches for 150 yds and a TD, leading to more questions as to why it took so damn long for a team with little athletic ability at WR to move a clearly unsuccessful QB with insane athletic ability to WR. Coach Frazier will almost have a facial expression during the press conference. Final score: 34-2 Vikes.

Week 16 @ Cincinnati: The 9-5 Vikes control their playoff destiny and can clinch the division with a win over the crappy Bengals on the road. In classic Vikings fashion, they settle for field goals and let the opponent hang around. AP fumbles for the first time all season, and the Bungals return it for a game winning-TD. Greg Jennings no longer laughs when reporters bring up questions about the “Viking Curse”. The Packers win this week, pulling them into a tie with the Vikes for the division lead. Sphincters begin to tighten all over Vikings territory. Final score: 23-19 Bengals.

Week 17 vs Detroit: The Vikings began the season against the Lions, and now they finish it against them, leading Vikings’ fans to refer to this scheduling anomaly as the “Bookends of Loserness”. Unfortunately these Vikings’ fans forgot their favorite team was the Vikings, and the Lions, through probability-defying luck, stay in the game. To wit, Lions QB Matt Stafford darts a pass over the middle and it goes through the face mask of Vikes’ safety Mistral Raymond, knocking him unconscious. But before Raymond’s limp body hits the turf, Lions WR Calvin Johnson pulls Raymond’s helmet—which has the football still lodged in the facemask—off Raymond’s head and runs untouched into the endzone, tying the game with 2 minutes left. The Vikings, finally realizing they are playing the crappy Lions, march down after the ensuing kick and Walsh nails a 35-yard filed goal as time expires. The Vikes clinch the division. Final score: 31-28 Vikes.

Playoffs: Vikes crush everyone and win their first Super Bowl. Pigs begin to fly and Armageddon is unleashed, but to Vikes fans, it was well worth it.

There you have it. You may quibble with a detail here or there, but you have to agree this is essentially what will happen this coming season. Go Vikes!