(note: This interview only happened in the frightening arena that is my imagination. The real Kevin Love was not involved in any way.)
TAMVP: So Kevin, how’s the hand?
KL: Still sore, but I’m confident I’ll be back bricking 3-pointers and cussing out my teammates before the playoffs start.
TAMVP: Good to hear. You’re probably sick of talking about it, but what were you trying to accomplish with your brutally honest interview with the Polish Yahoo reporter?
KL: Well, being an emerging superstar on a historically pitiful franchise, I built up an airplane hangar full of love and admiration amongst Timberwolves fans over the past few years by leading my team out of the perpetual swamp of loserness, and I wanted to see if it was possible to destroy all that goodwill with one ill-advised interview. Mission accomplished, I’d say.
TAMVP: Mission accomplished indeed, Kevin. And when you add in your strange injury and sub par performance this season, you’re about as popular as psoriasis right now.
KL: (laughs) At least no one can accuse me of being a one-trick pony.
TAMVP: Let’s switch gears a bit. Despite the Timberwolves giving you a league maximum contract for four years, many people say that, because they didn’t give you that fifth year, you will leave as soon as that contract is up even if the team is a contender? You can’t possibly that petty and vindictive, can you?
KL: To that I would say, “never underestimate the disloyalty and fame hunger of American born NBA players.” Foreigners like Steve Nash, Ricky Rubio, and Manu Ginobili can keep their selflessness and team-first attitude, because guys like me, LeBron, and Carmelo know what really is important in today’s NBA: endorsements. Magic Johnson would be rolling in his grave if he found out American born players were putting winning first.
TAMVP: Magic isn’t dead, Kevin.
KL: Well, without having major endorsements he might as well be.
TAMVP: And Magic did put winning first.
KL: That’s probably why he died so young.
TAMVP: Okaaay, last question. Would you say it’s jealousy or just plain idiocy that prevents you from wanting to share the spotlight with Ricky Rubio given that a player like Rubio can significantly elevate the play of the entire team?
KL: After many deep, intellectual discussions with my career advisor, Stephon Marbury, I have come to the conclusion that the only way to control your ego is to let it grow uncontrollably, just like cancer. As Steph says, there is a finite amount of perceived awesomeness on any NBA team, and if I allow other players-especially some pass-first, defensive-minded immigrant-to be liked by the fans, well, that decreases my awesomeness. And that don’t jibe with endorsement deals, my friend.
TAMVP: That’s great Kevin, by looking out for number one, you come out smelling like number two.
KL: Whoa, what am I? A mathematician? English please.
TAMVP: Never mind. Well, thanks for your time Kevin, and I hope to see you back on the court soon so you can begin reversing all of this unnecessary damage you’ve caused the last few months.